What About Self Harm?
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I am putting all these symptoms
in one general category to draw attention to a big picture.
All of these methods of self-harm—as well as others
I haven’t mentioned here—do the job of distracting
the sufferer from an even worse pain, while at the same time
sending a clue out to the world that says, “Is anybody
paying attention? Does anybody pick up on the message
that I am not feeling good, and I really could use some
help?”
Many of these symptoms are
shocking and horrifying and scare us. They strike us as
extreme and sick because they are! We don’t know
what to say. We don’t know what to do.
See if you can be a little
accepting and compassionate. You are seeing a person in
pain. Emotional pain doesn’t show. I have had
clients in my office tell me they were jealous of a person in a
cast or a wheel chair, because they show their wound, and the
world believes them and the world responds in a supportive way.
Your initial response may also be to see self-harm as a
discipline problem as though the person is being purposely
difficult or self-willed. As though there is some evil
inside of them, compelling them to upset your life. You
might want to avoid taking it all personally and see if there
is more to the story—even though, yes, this can be very
upsetting to you and very hard to endure.
How Can You Help?
Remember these two things: Try
not to overreact, and try not to under react. Don’t
freak out, but don’t be endlessly accepting either.
You can convey to her that you ‘get it,’ that
you understand she is in so much internal distress that her
method of self harm somehow makes sense to her—at least
some of the time. And you can also let her know that you
care about her, and care about the pain she is in, and you will
do your best to be of consistent support. At the same
time, you will also use your influence to nudge her towards
healthier expressions of her pain, and towards getting some
competent help. It may be challenging to you to be
supportive to her in her pain, while at the same time you try
to help her to move on past cutting herself or banging her
head…
One of the things that may help a
lot may be to get her to do some healthy reading. If she
can get some insight into her symptoms, rather than just
continuing to act them out blindly, she has a better chance of
growing more healthy. One of the things I have said to
people who hurt themselves is “I hope you will stop that.
I hate to see you suffer any more because I think you
have been hurt way too much already.” Sometimes
when you are this empathic the injured person senses that they
have made their point, and they don’t feel quite the same
push to continue self-harm. Somebody has paid attention
and gotten their message. So they may not feel a need to
continue. At least for now.
But self-harm can go on for a
long time. Or it starts and stops. So you may have
to be patient enough without being too tolerant. Not an
easy place for those of us who watch and care…
What About the Deeper Meaning?
As I write in chapter 1 of 10 by
10, I believe kids get dropped off on our planet wanting to
please and find their place. I am convinced we are wired
that way. So when that isn’t happening I wonder,
“What has or is interfering with this child’s
natural desire to fit into his world and make a
contribution?” Why does this kid, who was born
healthy and hopeful, now call out to the world in such an
extreme way?
And as I write further in chapter
10, under the subheading Empathy:
A child who is respected and
loved grows up to show the same qualities to the world.
Kids who don’t show empathy were not given it, or
not given enough. When a child is disrespected or treated
roughly, or has to suppress his natural urges, a pressure backs
up in him like a kink in a hose. He has been wounded and
he is angry about it. He will be all the more upset if he
is mistreated by parents who insist that they love their child.
That’s crazy making: ‘they say to
outsiders that they love me—they even say that to ME
sometimes—but then they are so controlling, so
repressive.’ This kid may push back hard and rebel
in his teen years. He may bully or fight. Even
vandalize or hurt animals. He’s really MAD.
Sometimes we see small children
act in shocking ways. They may bite others or have big,
long, red-faced tantrums. Or they don’t eat, or
they are constipated or they soil themselves years after being
toilet trained. These things should cause us to wonder if
these children are being exposed to extreme pressure in their
world that we cannot see. We just see the symptom. We
cannot be sure what the symptom means but it bears our paying
attention.
Sometimes we see teens go off and
do extremely self-destructive things despite any discipline
that is tried. There are girls who cut the screens out of
their windows so they can sneak out at night; guys who drive at
reckless speeds, or those who begin drinking to get drunk from
an early age. There may be secrets that are trying to
leak out through these otherwise inexplicable behaviors.
The symptom may be their message of distress out to the
world. Maybe, behind closed doors, they were or are
subject to degrading punishments (forced to pick turds out of
kitty litter by hand). Maybe they were denied food as a
form of discipline. Perhaps they were at one
time—or still are being—physically abused (hard
pinching, hair pulling, severe beatings). This could be a
kid whose unconscious is calling out for protection from sexual
abuse. In those cases we keep our ears and eyes open,
without making hasty accusations. This may be a
disobedience problem, or it may be a good kid telling us that
there is something DRASTICALLY WRONG in his universe. We
watch and do what we can to throw the kid a line.
“Find a New Compulsion”
A long time ago one of my clients
who has healed wonderfully from years of neglect and abuse
taught me how to help people who hurt themselves. She
said that her method was to continue to replace a form of
self-harm with a slightly less harmful one. Then, in
stairstep fashion, she continued to get a little better, then a
little better, then a little better over time. It
couldn’t happen too quickly, but over many months there
was definite progress. So she suggested I tell my clients
to “find a new compulsion.” Which I
gratefully do!
So you will nudge your friend to
see her family doctor, or to tell someone whom she can trust
about her pain. And you may suggest she write in a
journal about it—that is often one of the most productive
and healing ways a person can deal with internal pain.
She may not agree to do all of these, but we hope she
will do some. And if not right away, you will patiently
continue to keep healthy options in front of her. Again,
and again, and again…
