(10 by 10 Workbook Chapter 6 continued)

Set the Limits You Have Been Avoiding

The thing that you can do to begin making deep down, useful changes in your marriage is easy to understand, but may be very difficult for you to do. And there may be some risk to it. After you have gathered yourself, and you have rediscovered the shocking notion that you DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT, you might next try this: start to say a definite "No" where it really matters to you. Don't try to get everything back at once, or become enraged for all the years you put up with way too much. This will take thoughtfulness and courage, and it may or may not bring fairness to your marriage. Maybe your mate will respect your efforts, but many men will not. Lots of guys are way more interested in continuing to get their own way than they are in the comfort and well-being of their wife.

There is actually no mystery about what you have to try: you have to find your voice and speak up with enough conviction that your husband stops walking all over you. He doesn't respect you any more than YOU RESPECT YOURSELF. He only stops—at least for now—when you say stop. And you are not saying it. Or you aren't saying, "Stop" with enough firmness that he takes you seriously. After a while, there is just speaking up or not. Taking it or not. Living this life as he dictates, or trying to make it better. Accepting his tirades or refusing to accept them.

YOU GET WHAT YOU SETTLE FOR.

Do you have a sick, sinking feeling about the idea of standing up to him more than you have already? There is a good chance you do. This is where it starts to get REALLY SCARY for you. Based on your years of patterning with your family of origin, there is a place in your nervous system where you are deeply convinced that, as unendurable as your life has become, this is the life that you deserve. You can't stand it, but you can't leave it. It isn't just HIM keeping you stuck here—there is a part of YOU that has become habituated to, maybe even addicted to, living out the role of the The Pleaser and The Fixer.

That's how you picked this guy in the first place. He is helping you live out the life that YOU THINK YOU ARE WORTHY OF. At least till now. You could see that never worked for your mom while she stumbled on blindly in her life. Have you also inherited some of her inability to see her own life for what it was?

If you are the woman I have been writing about so far, change scares you. You feel paralyzed. You can't control him, he might not change, you might lose him, he may go off on you—all that stuff and more may be buzzing through your mind. And these are your decisions to make. Most women decide, as God foretold in Genesis, to stick it out in their bad relationship. You may do that as well. But make your decision as your wisest, most mature, adult self. Yes, take your fear into account, but you don't have to be blindly ruled by it. Speaking up may be very hard and dangerous, or you may have been fearing it much more than you need to. You will just have to try it and see. If you don't speak up and stand up to your husband, there is a good chance you are—or soon will be—pushed around by your kids as they hit the middle teen years. How much longer do you want to live this way?

If you do speak up to your mate, you will want to do it with skill, hopefully bringing a positive response. That could include the use of humor and speaking right from your heart in hopes of touching his better self. Might work, might not. (see chapter 7 on Genuineness) What won't work is fighting back, accusing and blaming, or retaliating. ("If he is going to treat me like this, then I feel entitled to a shopping spree…If it's a fight he wants, I'll give him a fight…") I understand that you are angry, but this sort of ineffective response just makes you a further sharer in keeping the craziness going. More craziness is bad for you and bad for your kids. That's not the way out.

You can try to bring in a third party that your husband respects—maybe a therapist, maybe someone from your congregation. If he gets dangerous, it may have to be the police. Not an easy spot for you to be in.

WILL YOU PAY THE PRICE TO CHANGE, OR PAY THE PRICE TO STAY THE SAME?

If you start to rock the boat after all this time, there are a number of ways things might go: your husband may realize what a jerk he has been, feel guilty, apologize and change his behaviors. This could happen with the guys who are least offensive to start with. More likely your husband could become MUCH MORE DEMANDING AND HARSH, trying to manipulate and pressure you to go back to the old you. There is a lot more in it for him than you, and he may not give up easily—or at all. Or, if you are skillful, drawing your line thoughtfully and speaking up wisely, consistently…he may do just the backing up you are hoping for. Then you just keep doing it!

Just knowing HOW AND WHY things are the way they are in your relationship is of limited value. It is not near as important as TAKING SOME ACTION TO CHANGE, especially if you have children.

If you decide to live out Eve's life of desperate craving for a man, that is up to you. But if you have kids, please give this careful thought. If you decide to stay in an abusive relationship, what effect is that having on your son or daughter? You can see how bad it was for you. Can you do better for them? Aren't they worth protecting? Mothering them means caring for their emotional soundness and stability. You are not the one abusing your kids—he is. And likely you do what you can to protect them a little, and to comfort them where you can. Hopefully you validate their feelings and observations as well. But all that is NOT ENOUGH to offset the day-in, day-out corrosion of their spirits if the man of the house is a tyrant. YOU CAN'T COMFORT IN A WEEK THE DAMAGE HE CAN DO IN ONE TIRADE. If it's a losing battle and your kids are being harmed, you have to think of their safety and long-range emotional wellness. The action you take now may have a very fine effect on what kind of parents your children are to YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

So you have some important thinking to do. Over the years some may have strongly recommended you leave the man—but that is your decision to make. Others may have insisted YOU HAVE TO STAY—but this is your life and your decision to make. A decision you want to make that leaves you feeling right before your God, your self, your mate and your kids.

If you have been fawning and cringing before your husband as a way of not looking at how hollow and disappointing your marriage is—how long do you want to continue? And at what cost to yourself and your children? You can start speaking up. If things get better, GREAT! If they don't, it is STILL THE RIGHT THING, all the way around.

Some women have a network of friends that support them, and I hope you do as well. If your husband has been very controlling it is likely he has tried to cut you off from your family and friends, so that he is your whole world. Get some healthy friends that can help you with reality testing. Tell a small number of them what you are going through in your marriage and ask if that sounds like abuse to them. BUT DON'T USE DUMPING AND VENTING AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR NECESSARY ACTION. Telling your story and getting some sympathy can feel good for a while, but you can get stuck there. Don't be hasty. Don't take action that isn't wise or necessary, but don't fail to take the action that honors and respects your rights and those of your kids.

It may take your husband a while to get it. Or he may not even attempt to understand what you are sincerely trying to get across. But the time for doing things his way may have to end. One of the ways he may have kept you subordinate was to accuse you of outrageous things or make bizarre assertions that are far from reality. When he said those preposterous things over and over with all that force, did you start to doubt yourself and your own reality? As crazy as he sounded, likely you at least started to wonder if he was right and you were wrong. Even though in your sanest moments you knew he was way off base.

Your husband may have some deficits that keep him out there in his own mental orbit. Or he may just refuse to play fair. He may try to use arguments to put you back in your old place. He may resort to other confusing tactics that keep the status quo. He may question your sanity, your spirituality; he may become even more extreme in the things he accuses you of. ("You're having an affair with that guy aren't you!") He may drench you in a waterfall of words, hardly leaving a space for you to speak. He may say he agrees but then never take action.

If you sense this going on with the man you are dealing with, stick to your own well-grounded reality. Don't be blown off course by his tactics. Don't wait for his approval, his agreement, or his apology. It would be great to get one or all of these, but don't hold back your own healthy decisions and actions until he agrees that they are healthy. The old way was bad for you and bad for your kids. You have spent years sacrificing yourself and your children for your husband and it HASN'T WORKED. Appeasement hasn't made him any better and it is hurting you and your kids. You may just have to give up.

Regina: Rex, I am not willing to live this way any longer. I am taking our children and leaving. I will not allow you to scream at us and swear at us any more. I also cannot tolerate any more of your drunkenness in front of our children, or your driving with them in the car when you have been drinking.

Rex: Wait, don't leave. I have been under a lot of pressure at work. You know I have. How about giving me a break instead of running out on me?

Regina: You have promised to improve so many times and you go right back to those things. I don't believe your words any more, and I will not put myself and our kids through this any more, Rex. I will be at my mother's place. Get yourself some help. Get some counseling, or get into rehab. But until you do, don't look for us to be back. You are a danger to our health and we can't be around you.

When a woman stands up to an abusive, controlling man with this sort of straightforwardness she can expect him to try to manipulate her into staying. He may cry and beg. He may threaten to kill himself. He may insist that HE is the victim of her cruelty. It will take considerable clarity of mind for her to see through all his words and HOLD HER GROUND.

Please understand that you didn't end up in an unhappy marriage just because your husband was controlling or abusive. (But be sure to read about the corresponding male sickness described in chapter 5 of this book. The insight and background about men will help ground you so you can make healthy, realistic decisions for yourself and your kids.) Your own training as a woman has played equally into the dance you two have been doing. Even if your husband changes to a gentler, more considerate mate, there is still a place for you to do some growing up.

A woman can stay small and act timidly even when there is no man to be afraid of. Excessively retiring behavior comes from not TAKING YOURSELF SERIOUSLY as an adult. You may speak with a soft little voice that people can barely hear. You may stand and listen but offer very little to a conversation. You may fear to disagree, or even express a preference over simple things. You might ask your children for too much approval and agreement instead of being their parent.

If you are HOLDING YOURSELF BACK in any of these ways, that is a choice you are making. That's not something to try to push off on your husband. Is it time for you to accept that you have grown up, that you have gained experience and you have PERSONAL AUTHORITY to grab onto? Please stop thinking you are a child. That can keep you ACTING with childlike unsureness, and then complaining that others are treating you like a child. It's time for you to see the part you play in the treatment you receive. You have grown up. Really. You aren't a little girl any more, and no one has the right to treat you that way. If they do, YOU have to be the polite, firm enforcer.

Setting limits with your husband is a good start because you are EXPECTING MORE OF YOURSELF. You are enlarging yourself beyond your old small definition. You are growing into your full adult rights and freedoms, and you are modeling more mental and emotional health for your girls and boys. Now you are on your way!

While I stand by everything I have said to you in this chapter, I also acknowledge that I have presented a streamlined, oversimplified, best possible outcome to a very complicated problem. In real life the domination of women and children has many layers, including the possibility of domestic violence. If fixing this problem were easy you would have done so by now.

But maybe life can be better—even a lot better—even if it can't be ALL BETTER for you and your children. I have seen times where a woman stood up a little and got a lot for her efforts. It was worth the risk. So don't be too paralyzed to try something different. I trust you will make an assessment that is best for you and your kids in the long run. My best wishes to you in your struggle.

Now you know, and you can never go back to not knowing. Now you realize what a struggle it is for your wife to grow into all of her personal courage and authority. Frankly it has been to your advantage that she has been as weak as she has. But as a person of integrity you can no longer be happy about that, or continue to keep this imbalance of power going. She has been hurt way too much already by the years of mistreatment in her childhood.

It is wrong for you to continue to take advantage of your wife's weaknesses to get your own way. In trueness to yourself and to her, it is time to begin celebrating her growth and strength—even though that means that she will be disagreeing with you. Pal, it's long past time for you to play fair with her.

I hope this chapter touches your heart, softens you and brings a consistent, considerate response towards her. It's not that you caused her to be this way—you didn't cause it. But you certainly played your part in keeping her stuck there. Now go, please, and use this knowledge to bring out the best, the most noble and the most honorable in both of you.




		(10 by 10 Workbook Chapter 6 continued) Set the Limits You Have Been Avoiding The thing that you can do to begin making deep down, useful changes in your marriage is easy to understand, but may be very difficult for you to do. And there may be some risk to it. After you have gathered yourself, and you have rediscovered the shocking notion that you DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT, you might next try this: start to say a definite "No" where it really matters to you. Don't try to get everything back at once, or become enraged for all the years you put up with way too much. This will take thoughtfulness and courage, and it may or may not bring fairness to your marriage. Maybe your mate will respect your efforts, but many men will not. Lots of guys are way more interested in continuing to get their own way than they are in the comfort and well-being of their wife. There is actually no mystery about what you have to try: you have to find your voice and speak up with enough conviction that your husband stops walking all over you. He doesn't respect you any more than YOU RESPECT YOURSELF. He only stops—at least for now—when you say stop. And you are not saying it. Or you aren't saying, "Stop" with enough firmness that he takes you seriously. After a while, there is just speaking up or not. Taking it or not. Living this life as he dictates, or trying to make it better. Accepting his tirades or refusing to accept them. YOU GET WHAT YOU SETTLE FOR. Do you have a sick, sinking feeling about the idea of standing up to him more than you have already? There is a good chance you do. This is where it starts to get REALLY SCARY for you. Based on your years of patterning with your family of origin, there is a place in your nervous system where you are deeply convinced that, as unendurable as your life has become, this is the life that you deserve. You can't stand it, but you can't leave it. It isn't just HIM keeping you stuck here—there is a part of YOU that has become habituated to, maybe even addicted to, living out the role of the The Pleaser and The Fixer. That's how you picked this guy in the first place. He is helping you live out the life that YOU THINK YOU ARE WORTHY OF. At least till now. You could see that never worked for your mom while she stumbled on blindly in her life. Have you also inherited some of her inability to see her own life for what it was? If you are the woman I have been writing about so far, change scares you. You feel paralyzed. You can't control him, he might not change, you might lose him, he may go off on you—all that stuff and more may be buzzing through your mind. And these are your decisions to make. Most women decide, as God foretold in Genesis, to stick it out in their bad relationship. You may do that as well. But make your decision as your wisest, most mature, adult self. Yes, take your fear into account, but you don't have to be blindly ruled by it. Speaking up may be very hard and dangerous, or you may have been fearing it much more than you need to. You will just have to try it and see. If you don't speak up and stand up to your husband, there is a good chance you are—or soon will be—pushed around by your kids as they hit the middle teen years. How much longer do you want to live this way? If you do speak up to your mate, you will want to do it with skill, hopefully bringing a positive response. That could include the use of humor and speaking right from your heart in hopes of touching his better self. Might work, might not. (see chapter 7 on Genuineness) What won't work is fighting back, accusing and blaming, or retaliating. ("If he is going to treat me like this, then I feel entitled to a shopping spree…If it's a fight he wants, I'll give him a fight…") I understand that you are angry, but this sort of ineffective response just makes you a further sharer in keeping the craziness going. More craziness is bad for you and bad for your kids. That's not the way out. You can try to bring in a third party that your husband respects—maybe a therapist, maybe someone from your congregation. If he gets dangerous, it may have to be the police. Not an easy spot for you to be in. WILL YOU PAY THE PRICE TO CHANGE, OR PAY THE PRICE TO STAY THE SAME? If you start to rock the boat after all this time, there are a number of ways things might go: your husband may realize what a jerk he has been, feel guilty, apologize and change his behaviors. This could happen with the guys who are least offensive to start with. More likely your husband could become MUCH MORE DEMANDING AND HARSH, trying to manipulate and pressure you to go back to the old you. There is a lot more in it for him than you, and he may not give up easily—or at all. Or, if you are skillful, drawing your line thoughtfully and speaking up wisely, consistently…he may do just the backing up you are hoping for. Then you just keep doing it! There's No Substitute for Thoughtful Action Just knowing HOW AND WHY things are the way they are in your relationship is of limited value. It is not near as important as TAKING SOME ACTION TO CHANGE, especially if you have children. If you decide to live out Eve's life of desperate craving for a man, that is up to you. But if you have kids, please give this careful thought. If you decide to stay in an abusive relationship, what effect is that having on your son or daughter? You can see how bad it was for you. Can you do better for them? Aren't they worth protecting? Mothering them means caring for their emotional soundness and stability. You are not the one abusing your kids—he is. And likely you do what you can to protect them a little, and to comfort them where you can. Hopefully you validate their feelings and observations as well. But all that is NOT ENOUGH to offset the day-in, day-out corrosion of their spirits if the man of the house is a tyrant. YOU CAN'T COMFORT IN A WEEK THE DAMAGE HE CAN DO IN ONE TIRADE. If it's a losing battle and your kids are being harmed, you have to think of their safety and long-range emotional wellness. The action you take now may have a very fine effect on what kind of parents your children are to YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. So you have some important thinking to do. Over the years some may have strongly recommended you leave the man—but that is your decision to make. Others may have insisted YOU HAVE TO STAY—but this is your life and your decision to make. A decision you want to make that leaves you feeling right before your God, your self, your mate and your kids. If you have been fawning and cringing before your husband as a way of not looking at how hollow and disappointing your marriage is—how long do you want to continue? And at what cost to yourself and your children? You can start speaking up. If things get better, GREAT! If they don't, it is STILL THE RIGHT THING, all the way around. Some women have a network of friends that support them, and I hope you do as well. If your husband has been very controlling it is likely he has tried to cut you off from your family and friends, so that he is your whole world. Get some healthy friends that can help you with reality testing. Tell a small number of them what you are going through in your marriage and ask if that sounds like abuse to them. BUT DON'T USE DUMPING AND VENTING AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR NECESSARY ACTION. Telling your story and getting some sympathy can feel good for a while, but you can get stuck there. Don't be hasty. Don't take action that isn't wise or necessary, but don't fail to take the action that honors and respects your rights and those of your kids. Don't Wait for Him to Agree It may take your husband a while to get it. Or he may not even attempt to understand what you are sincerely trying to get across. But the time for doing things his way may have to end. One of the ways he may have kept you subordinate was to accuse you of outrageous things or make bizarre assertions that are far from reality. When he said those preposterous things over and over with all that force, did you start to doubt yourself and your own reality? As crazy as he sounded, likely you at least started to wonder if he was right and you were wrong. Even though in your sanest moments you knew he was way off base. Your husband may have some deficits that keep him out there in his own mental orbit. Or he may just refuse to play fair. He may try to use arguments to put you back in your old place. He may resort to other confusing tactics that keep the status quo. He may question your sanity, your spirituality; he may become even more extreme in the things he accuses you of. ("You're having an affair with that guy aren't you!") He may drench you in a waterfall of words, hardly leaving a space for you to speak. He may say he agrees but then never take action. If you sense this going on with the man you are dealing with, stick to your own well-grounded reality. Don't be blown off course by his tactics. Don't wait for his approval, his agreement, or his apology. It would be great to get one or all of these, but don't hold back your own healthy decisions and actions until he agrees that they are healthy. The old way was bad for you and bad for your kids. You have spent years sacrificing yourself and your children for your husband and it HASN'T WORKED. Appeasement hasn't made him any better and it is hurting you and your kids. You may just have to give up. Regina: Rex, I am not willing to live this way any longer. I am taking our children and leaving. I will not allow you to scream at us and swear at us any more. I also cannot tolerate any more of your drunkenness in front of our children, or your driving with them in the car when you have been drinking. Rex: Wait, don't leave. I have been under a lot of pressure at work. You know I have. How about giving me a break instead of running out on me? Regina: You have promised to improve so many times and you go right back to those things. I don't believe your words any more, and I will not put myself and our kids through this any more, Rex. I will be at my mother's place. Get yourself some help. Get some counseling, or get into rehab. But until you do, don't look for us to be back. You are a danger to our health and we can't be around you. When a woman stands up to an abusive, controlling man with this sort of straightforwardness she can expect him to try to manipulate her into staying. He may cry and beg. He may threaten to kill himself. He may insist that HE is the victim of her cruelty. It will take considerable clarity of mind for her to see through all his words and HOLD HER GROUND. Your Responsibility Please understand that you didn't end up in an unhappy marriage just because your husband was controlling or abusive. (But be sure to read about the corresponding male sickness described in chapter 5 of this book. The insight and background about men will help ground you so you can make healthy, realistic decisions for yourself and your kids.) Your own training as a woman has played equally into the dance you two have been doing. Even if your husband changes to a gentler, more considerate mate, there is still a place for you to do some growing up. A woman can stay small and act timidly even when there is no man to be afraid of. Excessively retiring behavior comes from not TAKING YOURSELF SERIOUSLY as an adult. You may speak with a soft little voice that people can barely hear. You may stand and listen but offer very little to a conversation. You may fear to disagree, or even express a preference over simple things. You might ask your children for too much approval and agreement instead of being their parent. If you are HOLDING YOURSELF BACK in any of these ways, that is a choice you are making. That's not something to try to push off on your husband. Is it time for you to accept that you have grown up, that you have gained experience and you have PERSONAL AUTHORITY to grab onto? Please stop thinking you are a child. That can keep you ACTING with childlike unsureness, and then complaining that others are treating you like a child. It's time for you to see the part you play in the treatment you receive. You have grown up. Really. You aren't a little girl any more, and no one has the right to treat you that way. If they do, YOU have to be the polite, firm enforcer. Setting limits with your husband is a good start because you are EXPECTING MORE OF YOURSELF. You are enlarging yourself beyond your old small definition. You are growing into your full adult rights and freedoms, and you are modeling more mental and emotional health for your girls and boys. Now you are on your way! Idealized, Oversimplified, Best Possible Case While I stand by everything I have said to you in this chapter, I also acknowledge that I have presented a streamlined, oversimplified, best possible outcome to a very complicated problem. In real life the domination of women and children has many layers, including the possibility of domestic violence. If fixing this problem were easy you would have done so by now. But maybe life can be better—even a lot better—even if it can't be ALL BETTER for you and your children. I have seen times where a woman stood up a little and got a lot for her efforts. It was worth the risk. So don't be too paralyzed to try something different. I trust you will make an assessment that is best for you and your kids in the long run. My best wishes to you in your struggle. For the Man Who Reads This Chapter Now you know, and you can never go back to not knowing. Now you realize what a struggle it is for your wife to grow into all of her personal courage and authority. Frankly it has been to your advantage that she has been as weak as she has. But as a person of integrity you can no longer be happy about that, or continue to keep this imbalance of power going. She has been hurt way too much already by the years of mistreatment in her childhood. It is wrong for you to continue to take advantage of your wife's weaknesses to get your own way. In trueness to yourself and to her, it is time to begin celebrating her growth and strength—even though that means that she will be disagreeing with you. Pal, it's long past time for you to play fair with her. I hope this chapter touches your heart, softens you and brings a consistent, considerate response towards her. It's not that you caused her to be this way—you didn't cause it. But you certainly played your part in keeping her stuck there. Now go, please, and use this knowledge to bring out the best, the most noble and the most honorable in both of you. Please click here to continue chapter 6.