These are straightforward, healthy ways to appeal to another human. A person who uses these methods is being direct and easy to read. No one has to figure out what the real message is, because the message is obvious and clear. None of the above is mean, coercive or abusive.
We may try to influence someone to do what we want based on logic. We can appeal to them from a place of love or concern. We can also use the true authority we have, as in this interaction between a dad and his 17-year old teenager:
Son: "Dad, I am going out with my friends to the late movie, and then we are going to catch a party somewhere...OK?"
Dad: "Son, tell me a little more about your plans. I appreciate your coming to me, but this all sounds quite vague. What friends? And what party? Who will be there? Will alcohol be served? How late will you be staying? And how will you get home if things get out of hand?
Before I can give you my permission, would you share a few more of the details with me? Otherwise, I feel very uneasy about your request."
Here Dad is doing his job. He is standing up to his son
—gently, respectfully, but definitely—by not granting automatic
permission when dad has reservations. This is what parents are
supposed to do. It is our responsibility to question and to set limits
and to say "Yes" where it makes sense to, "No" where our child may
be putting himself at risk.
All healthy, all good. Dad is being direct, easy to read, consistent, predictable, and flexible. He is initiating a discussion where he does not yet know what the outcome will be. He is open to getting more information from his son, but he is also not holding back where he feels genuine concern. Based on many similar interchanges, the son could anticipate that his dad would have questions and would voice them. He could also expect that if his request was reasonable, dad would usually grant permission. |
