Read through the list of controlling/abusive behaviors below.  See if you have experienced any of them.  Then say what is real out loud to yourself: "He calls me awful names, and he swears at us."  That may be very difficult for you.  That may be how you are protecting yourself—by not fully admitting to yourself what he does, how many times, and how much it hurts you.   And then add a specific time that happened.  Yes, don't just answer it quickly to yourself.  Please write it down.  This exercise is intended to gently get you to set aside any denial that you may be using.  Denial that is keeping you and your kids stuck, when you have other options.  More about your options comes later.

We may easily see when others are denying, while having a much harder time catching ourselves at it.  It's not just you.  We all do it.

1      ____ He yells at me, calls me names, swears, and puts me/us down.  (Say this out loud if it applies.)

A really hurtful time was when

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

2      ____ My kids and I are often afraid of him.  (Say this aloud.)

A time we were really scared was when

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

3      ____ He threatens to hit, or shoves, chokes or hits me, or one of our children.  (Be sure to say it aloud, even though this is painful for you.)

One time he used force or violence on me/one of us was

_________________________________________________________________________________

4      ____ He hurts us by obnoxious, cruel joking/teasing.  (Say out loud.  This may be getting really hard for you by now.)

Some of the cruel things he has said and then tried to call a joke are:

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

5      ____ He throws things, or breaks things.  (Make yourself say it)

Damage he has done to our home and furnishings include:

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

6      ____ He threatens to leave, or to kill himself.  (Say this aloud.)

He tries to get me/the kids to feel sorry for him, after he has scared us so much, by:

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________